Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have tasted many bathrooms
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
