Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
