Where is the hickey?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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