I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
