i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
