i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
