Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
