hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
