Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm like, not good at living.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
