nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
