I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
