if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Couch. On fire.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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