You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
