sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
