Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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