His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
