First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
