Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
