So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
