I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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