In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
