I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
