There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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