420 ftw
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
