I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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