i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
