your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
