I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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