Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
a search helicopter?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
