i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
