Your face is a jimmy john
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
