My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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