it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.