I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dating After Heartbreak
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.