i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
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playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels