I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?