Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.