I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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