my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
