How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
