You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
