Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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