The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
