i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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