Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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