It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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