Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
