I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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