IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
