if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
