i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
