great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
