I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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