mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't turn off my feet"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
