Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
