Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
