and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
