I'm pants shitting drunk right now
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
